Burnout

 Firstly I'd like to say, it's incredible reading my previous posts here. I had so many beautiful ideas and expressed them clearly. 19 and 20 year old me was smart.

A lot of time has passed since my previous posts. I went to officer school, spent time in a new campaign, then started my role as team leader. Then after about 2 months, 7.10 came along and I spent a year as the head of my team in a war. 

I should write about 7.10 at some point. For now: I woke up to phone calls at 3 am. Hopped over to the base at 4~, got back home at 5~. Woke up to missiles again at ~6. Then insanity ensued.

https://www.mako.co.il/news-military/2024_q2/Article-aa99ed3cb3c1091027.htm?utm_source=AndroidNews12&utm_medium=Share

At this point I basically made a decision. I'm going full throttle until the gas tank empties. Then I'm gone. And I followed through with that idea. The most interesting thing I realized is I absolutely hate doing this because I have to, and I have an extreme amount of self-generated motivation to do things that I decide I want to do. 

Do 2 weeks of 24/7 slave work? For sure, if I'm the one that decided to do it out of altruism. Clean something? Hell yeah, unless someone else makes me do it. 

What I need to do is harness this power. Make rituals that I can't get out of, so I use these spurious moments of energy to force my future self into action. 

I started writing a diary in a notebook somewhere for more spontaneous ideas, and then my car got stolen with the notebook inside it (damn). I had a few nice thoughts in there:

1. Loneliness is a big driver of my decision making, that being I spend a lot of my time distracting myself with activities or seeking company just to not spend time with myself alone, bored, sad. 

2. There are so many people on this planet, I wonder how many of them have gone through the same patterns and situations I have. Living a semi-identical life to mine - not in the details, just in the general sense.


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